


The Thin Line between Reality and Dreams

by LeMayora



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 17:36:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8410501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeMayora/pseuds/LeMayora
Summary: Hijikata woke up from a comma only to have his memories all rumbled, he remember a few things and people. He may have forgotten a few things but strangely his memory towards Gintoki had not changed. Everyone was helping him regaining the few memories he forgot however there was a lot of changes upon his awakening. They are hiding something from him and he was determined to find out what it was one way or another, however is he really prepared if he found out what it was or it is better for things to be left the way they are now."There are things that are better left forgotten Hijikata-kun" Gintoki had told him with a sad smile.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I made a one shot, this plot had been on my mind for quite a while now and i need to immediately write it down so i wont forget it and lose motivation. a little warning though , im not sure if you will kill me after you read this or what, forgive me for the wrong grammar or typos and spelling, and if there are som mishaps on the story. 
> 
> Anyways do enjoy.. or uh.. well yeah, Thanks for reading.

 

Gun metal blue eyes slowly blinked the drowsiness from its owner, the sound of beeping and the smell of antiseptic and medicine made Hijikata Toushiro realize that he was in the hospital but he wondered why.. he can’t remember that much and his head hurt a lot. What happened?

“Toushiro? Thank God you are awake, I will call the doctors”

Hijikata looked at the person who left the room, who was it?  A relative? He looked older than him though. He closed his eyes again as he tried to adjust with the light of the room and another voice can be heard.

“You are finally awake bastard.. slept well?”

The voice bought him back to his senses and he looked to his side to see a silver haired male that was smiling at him.

“….Gin..”

“I’ll look for your brother, he must have called the doctors.” And with that the silver haired male also left the room and he was alone before he dozed off again.

.

.

.

.

“It seems he had some memory lapses, there are few things he can’t remember and some people he can’t remember” the doctor said after checking Hijikata, he asked who was the first person that he saw which turned out to be his brother.

Hijikata looked at them as they discussed his condition, they said he had been into a car accident three weeks ago, he remember a few stuff, the faces of his friends but it’s all mesh.. the events for the past months is blank he can’t remember anything from there but previous to that he can make out some happenings but it’s all blurry and a mess.  After a day his room was started to get filled now by people that visited him, he remembered Kondo but not that much, he remembered that they were childhood friends and the chesnut haired male .. he forgot his name but he remembered that it was the bastard that kept on pranking him as they fuzz around and told him some stories his mind wandered back to the silver perm that he saw this morning who never returned again, with that he looked at Kondo and Sougo.

“Where is Gintoki?”

He asked and wondered as Sougo and Kondo looked at each other, Sougo was about to answer but then the nurse came in and asked them to leave him be for some check up and the teens did so and so does his brother.

It was already late night and he was trying to sleep, but his eyes slowly opened as he looked to his side and saw GIntoki standing  beside the bed, he is wearing their school uniform and he shifted lightly.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“No, I can’t sleep anyways.. Where were you earlier?”

“There are a lot of people visiting you , I won’t be able to have a time alone with you”

Hijikata looked at him and closed his eyes as he felt Gintoki’s hand pushing back his raven locks as he sat on the chair beside him, he may have forgotten most events in his life but he remembered Gintoki well.. They were lovers, they knew each other since high school and chose the same school for College. Everything went down there, feelings , confessions until they got together it was a nice change of their relationship however they still argue a lot but still working things out.

“I’m glad you haven’t forgotten about me, ill beat a sense in your skull if you did”

Hijikata snorted as he shook his head “I remember few stuff but the past months.. no years Its  fuzzy”

“just don’t force yourself it will come by one day.. go and rest” Gintoki leaned down to press a kiss on his forehead and sat on the chair “ill stay until you fall asleep”

Hijikata nodded, though he wondered how Gintoki stayed inside when it was already pass the visiting hours but he did not question it any further as he slowly fell asleep.

.

.

.

.

The next morning he woke up, Gintoki is not there anymore and he sighed, his brother checking on him as he offered some food. Hijikata listened as Tamegoro told him some events and he listened intently to remember it, the doctors and nurses came in to the room and it was the same routine everyday and every night Gintoki would visit him sometimes in the afternoon. After four days he was discharged and was able to get another week of bed rest before he returned back to school and when he did the people who knew him started to fuzz over him asking him questions more like they are playing a ‘can you remember me or not’  kind of game. There are few people that he doesn’t remember well, like a purpled haired girl with red glasses who seemed to be glaring at him every time they meet, Sarotubi Ayame.. more known as Sa-chan, for whatever reason she doesn’t talk to her but he vaguely remembered that they do talk before. Another was Tsukuyo the girl was cold towards him as well, they used to hang out before smoking and all but it seems that suddenly changed, Otae on the other hand he remembered, she was still as violent as before and wishing well for his health. The first day was a handful lots of questions here and there that he decided to go to the rooftop and to be alone and casually lit his cigarette.

“You looked like a celebrity that is being feasted by the media” He flinched and looked behind to see Gintoki walking towards him and leaned on the railing. “How was it?”

“Not very nice, it makes me more dizzy” he sighed and puffed a cloud of smoke as he saw the smirk that Gintoki showed him and he frowned “Bastard.. you should have intervene there”

“Well it was nice seeing you look like a cornered animal”

“You!  Wanna fight?”

“Not today Ougushi-kun” he pushed himself away from the railing and went to hug the other “I was really worried… don’t do stupid stuff again like that” he murmured and planted a small kiss on his cheek. Hijikata enjoyed the touches and did not squirm, instead he let him be. It was lunch time and they talked a lot of things and it feels nice to be alone with his lover in this crazy day. As the bell sounded he groaned and they separated, they went down stairs and Gintoki stole another kiss from him as he trotted to the other direction where his room was located and Hijikata looked at his retreating form only to be interrupted by someone.

“Hijikata-san.. what are you doing here? Its almost class “

He spun and was faced to face with Okita who was lazily chewing his gum and raised a brow as he looked behind Hijikata “What are you looking for out there?”

“none of your business, lets go”

“jeez .. I was just asking” he walked and Hijikata followed him back to their classroom.

“By the way Sougo, which class does Gintoki go in again? Im sure he was on building A I just kinda forgot the room number”

Sougo stopped and looked at him, his eyes observing him and a small hesitation can be seen as he opened his mouth and closed it again. “Class 3-Z “

“oh.. thanks”

.

.

.

.

 

The days went smoothly and the graduation is near as well, everyone is cramming for school projects and test, they were currently on the pantry eating lunch at the same time reviewing. Hijikata looked around the table, Sougo, kondo, yamazaki, Otae and Sarotubi. He frowned something is missing, why is Gintoki not with them? Despite having different classes and rooms they stuck together during lunch, and as far as he remembered, katsura and that other guy with eye patch used to come with them as well so what happened?

“Whats wrong Toshi?” Kondo asked as he saw the distress on Hijikata’s face.

“ah.. no just.. it’s a bit strange.. that perm isn’t with us, doesn’t usually Gintoki joins us? “ he asked and wondered why everyone in the table became silent and looking at each other as if silently communicating and passing the question and forcing each other to answer it, this rose a suspicion and he was about to say something when Sarotubi suddenly stood up from her seat and gathered her things

“Im going back “ was all she said and Hijikata blinked as Otae bowed excused herself and gathered her things again catching up with the purple haired woman, nobody answered his question and they resumed on what they were doing. After the exam Hijikata stayed behind to fix some files , the festival is coming and as the vice-pres of the disciplinary committee he checked on the proposals that was submitted earlier this day. He walked out of the school a bit late and saw Gintoki waiting for him with his bag on and his bicycle.

“Yo.”

.

.

They walked back together and Gintoki was walking him home, they talked about the festival and the exam when suddenly Hijikata remembered what happened during lunch.

“Hey, why aren’t you joining us during lunch?”

“… I was busy”

“No.. since I recovered you never joined us, you don’t usually pop out of nowhere to annoy me, you aint double teaming with Sougo to piss me off. Why?”

Gintoki looked down as he steadied his grip on his bicycle as he walked it and smiled.. Though it looks like a bitter smile. “I cant.. I wont be able to do that anymore.”

“Why? Did you guys have fight?”

“No, but something happened that triggered all of this, so I can’t join you guys anymore nor show my face to them anymore”

“What? What happened, tell me”

“You will remember in time, but for now don’t think too much about it” Gintoki stopped and he realized that they already arrived on his house and he frowned.

“I cant help it, I need to know”

“Then you better start remembering it, although by remembering it … you must be ready for whatever it was” he cupped Hijikata’s cheeks as he sighed

“You are.. scaring me”

“go home, rest.. I love you Hijikata” he peck his lips and rode his bicycle and Hijikata looked at his retreating form with a frown. He sighed and went inside his house, he was greeted by his brother Tamegoro, he smiled and joined them for dinner..

.

.

Hijikata walked the hallways as he checked some papers, he was busy for the upcoming festival, looking through the papers there was no student at this early morning so he was surprised that he bump into someone who turned out to be Gintoki.  
  
"Woah.. its too early for you to be working your ass off Vice-pres"  
  
Hijikata frowned and glared at him as he picked up his papers "its a miracle that you are up this early in the morning "  
  
"ah that well, i had to take Kagura to school extra early today cause they had a field trip"  
  
"what is she elementary?!" he frowned and continued walking, Gintoki following behind him as he chuckled and placed both of his hand behind his head and shrugged  
  
"mentally probably"  
  
"Just like you"  
  
"OI!" they stopped in front of the student council's office where Hijikata laid out the papers on the table, he looked at Gintoki who flopped himself on the couch and looked at Hijikata as he worked. they had a small chat which Hijikata enjoyed and they even had some coffee as well, it was 30 minutes before the class starts and Gintoki stood to go in his class, Hijikata raising a brow as he waved goodbye at him, its strange why Ginoki went off early normally he would still stay on the office and laze until its already enough time, Shrugging he continued to sort some papers when Kondo arrived and beamed at him.  
  
"Ah! you made coffee for me!" Kondo sat across Hijikata and reached out for the cup of coffee.  
  
"Ah no, that had a lot of sugar, its for Gintoki so ... you know that sugar freak" he waived his hand and raised a brow as Kondo stared at him and he set the cup back down the table and scratched the back of his neck.   
  
"o-oh i see .. ill just make my own coffee " Kondo stood up and Hijikata frowned looking at the cup on the table and frowned.   
  
"The idiot did not drink it"  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
It was almost three weeks after the accident and Hijikata feels like it was just yesterday when he woke up from the hospital and he was walking home when he saw Gintoki and Sougo talking well more like Gintoki is the one doing the talking and Sougo was busy texting. He flinched when Gintoki turned to him and waved at him he left Sougo and the other male seemed okay with it he looked back at Hijikata and raised a middle finger before turning on the corner.   
  
"that bastard" he hissed and he frowned when Gintoki approached him.  
  
"Oi wipe that frown on your face you are scaring the people away"   
  
"i dont care" he glanced at the woman that passed them who gave him weird looks which he dismissed, they walked back and suddenly Hijikata paused as he looked at the crossroad, a park was near it and he stared hard and long into the road as he frowned. His head started to hurt and a flash of memory came through him, the loud and blaring horns of the car and the blinding lights coming from it and he suddenly crouched down and gripped his hair. "GH!"  
  
"Oi! are you alright?" Gintoki looked at him and helped him up "whats wrong?"  
  
"M.. my head hurts" he groaned and sat down as he tried to breathe in and out, the place feels familiar .. did the accident happen here? He continued to sit still Gintoki comforting him until the pain was able to subdue and Gintoki walked him home again and as they parted Hijikata looked at his retreating form and for some reason his chest started to hurt seeing him walk away like that, it feels like he is not coming back.. he shook his head and he went inside their house spotting Tamegoro on the living room and called him to join him, Hijikata felt anxious it seems his brother finally found out.  
  
"Why are you not taking your medicines?"  
  
Hijikata bowed his head as he looked away, he was very careful not to be found out however it already came out of this. "I was taking my Medicines brother"  
  
"yes you are aside from this " he raised a bottle of pills and Hijikata glared at the bottle like it was offending him. "Why are you not taking this?"  
  
"I- I dont feel like it"  
  
"Toushiro you need to take this, it is important, why is it you dont wanna take this ?"  
  
Hijikata frowned and looked at the bottle, why indeed? he had no problem taking the other medicines that was prescribed to him however this one, every time that he would try to take it, a voice on the back of his thoughts would always stop him and it wound say to him... "If I take it , I feel like im going to lose something important" he looked up to his brother who stared back at him a little surprised before his expression soften and he handed the bottle back to Hijikata   
  
"Toushiro, please. this will help you okay?"  
  
"okay" he nodded and he tried not to flinch as his brother squeezed his shoulder and went to his room. With a sigh he went up to his room and flopped on his bed looking at the bottle of pills he frowned.

"Im not depressed .. i dont need this" he murmured and rolled on his bed picking up his phone he thought about talking to Gintoki and before he knew his fingers  are already skimming on the call button, but the line was dead, there was no ringing , nothing and this made Hijikata raise a brow, did the bastard changed number? He started to scroll through his contacts and found the number he was looking for.   
  
To: Rascal  
Sub: Oi.   
  
[did the perm ass changed number?]  
  
he sent the message to the blond sadist as he waited for the reply. it was a long minutes, usually Sougo replies immediately since he had his phone with him all the time. he was about to send another text but his phone vibrated indicating a message and read it   
  
To: HijiBastard   
Sub: Die Hijikata  
  
[not that i know.]  
  
Frowning he looked at the message, its short.. for the first time Sougo replied to him in a short and direct answer without an insult except that he change the subject name. he frowned and sighed he did not reply to it anymore since there is no point after all. he frowned as he looked up to the ceiling and sighed, they are definitely hiding something from him and he can tell that and it seems they have no plan on telling him what it was... he would have to figure it out himself then.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
  
"here are the approved permits for the stalls and shop for this festival, i already sorted it out each year and class so just sign 'em and submit to Hata so we can start building the stalls and planning for the festival"  
  
Hijikata placed a stack of paper on his table and Kondo paled as he peeked through them, Sougo was busy texting and raised a brow.   
  
"Wow you did that all by yourself"  
  
"Well unlike a certain someone there i do job, tch"  
  
"Its a hassle reading those besides you know if you let me check on these submissions i might just approve them all"  
  
Hijikata grunted as he crossed his arms and leaned against his chair. "most of them are ridiculous ideas, someone proposed to have a fucking sky diving on a school festival?! where are you gonna jump on the roof top?!"  
  
"that sounds interesting" Sougo glanced at the boy beside him that was taking notes of the meeting "Right Zaki?"  
  
the other boy was torn between answering or not but he scratched his head "uh.. kind of" he turned to look at Hijikata and flinched as the other was giving him a hard and long stare before speaking.  
  
"Who are you again? ... Yam.. Ya.. Yamcha?"   
  
"AHH! Vice-pres! its me Yamazaki! ive been with you since you are in the hospital"  
  
"i really did not notice you"   
  
"Thats mean!!"   
  
Hijikata frowned as he stared at Yamazaki before he looked down at his paper, he glanced at everyone and he bit his lips before he sighed "Oi, are you guys hidin somethin from me? these past few days i noticed you are avoidin some of my questions" he saw Kondo visibly flinched and Sougo who stopped what he was doing before returning to look at his phone, and as he scanned the room his eyes fell on the one person that he could perhaps interrogate to spit some truth.  
  
"Oi yamcha!"  
  
Sougo stood up and grabbed Yamazaki out of the room "lets go we need to distribute some flyers"  
  
"OI! asshole where are you taking him!" he stood up to run after them but Kondo calling his name with his firm voice made him halt and he looked at him, why was he stopping him.   
  
"lets finish this okay then we can go to our class"  
  
"Why did you stop me? do you know as well? what are you guys hiding from me?"  
  
".. we cant tell you right now, Toshi,im sorry for now we cant, it would be not be good"  
  
"Why?! do you think im stupid that i cant notice you guys are hiding something from me! what is this? a joke? a prank? did Sougo organized this? That piece of shit is up to no good again? and you actually joined him on whatever this sick thing! even Gintoki wo--Gh"!  
  
Hijikata heard the chair that he was sitting on earlier scrape the floor with a thud and he fell on his ass beside it after Kondo punched him, it hurts and he looked up to see him looming above him with a frown.   
  
"How are we supposed to tell you when you are emotionally unstable, compose yourself first Toshi.." he grabbed the stack of papers and left the room, Hijikata sat there as he groaned and clenched his fist, he took deep breath and groaned as he heard the bell indicating the start of the afternoon class. Standing up he picked up the chair and went to the drawers pulled out his stash of cigarette to where he hid them and headed to the roof top. He needs to clear his head, he did not expect that he would lash like that to Kondo and he was regretting it, he doesn’t know how to face him after this. He lit one of his cancer stick and took a deep drag before he puffed it out.   
  
"So the Student council Vice-President and model student with top notch grade Hijikata Toushiro is actually skipping classes, what more breaking the school policy and casually smoking hiding in the rooftop”

Hijikata frowned as he looked back to see Gintoki walking towards him, noticing the bruise on his cheek and Gintoki whistled.

"oohh.. not only that, you got in a fight too? that looks like it stung" for proof Gintoki poked it and Hijikata winced elbowed him on the stomach "GH! too violent... who did that to you?"  
  
"Kondo-san"  
  
"eh.. you two fought?"  
  
"I raised my voice to him and started to talk shit , i did not expect.. Anyways its just that all these things that they are hiding from me.. i just , Gintoki, wont you tell me?"  
  
He looked at Gintoki and the white haired male's expression changed as he smiled sadly and stroked his cheeks. "not now.. im sorry, in time Toushiro and when that happens be prepared"   
  
"bu--" he stopped protesting as Gintoki pressed his lips against him and turned him around back to face the railing and Gintoki just wrapped his arms around his waist and held him like that. "im sure the Gorilla and the rest just wanted to protect you"  
  
"from what?"  
  
"There are things that are better left forgotten Hijikata-kun"  
  
Hijikata glanced at Gintoki and back to the sky as they enjoyed the silence and the closeness.   
  
"i love you Hijikata"  
.  
.  
.  
  
"Im sorry, i did not mean to lash at you like that" Hijikata bowed at as he apologized to Kondo for the 9th time now and Kond scratched his head and laughed.  
  
"Toshi i said its okay, how many times are you going to apologize" he patted his shoulder as he chuckled and Hijikata looked at him he still felt guilty though. "I should be the one apologizing for punching you earlier but as a friend you really deserve that one"  
  
"I know, im sorry"  
  
"oh okay okay stop now, you are forgiven, i understand that you have many questions but as of now, just focus on your studies okay? "  
  
"yeah.."  
  
"By the way Toshi.. ..are you seeing the Yorozuya still?"  
  
"... uh yeah? why?"   
  
"Nothing, anyways let’s get this festival all planned out"  
  
.  
.  
.  
  
The next following days the festival rolled out and it was a success it was the second day and Hijikata was managing some prizes for some competition, he haven’t seen much of Gintoki, he saw a glimpse of him here and there but it seems that he was busy. He was walking on the pastry stall and looked at the cupcakes and puddings that was displayed on there and frowned.  
  
"Hijikata-san are you interested on these sweet treats, there is a free spank if you buy one " Sougo's voice came from behind the stall and Hijikata cringe at the sign he was carrying that says 'Buy three and get a spank'.   
  
"No thanks" he looked at the stall and realized that it was sougo's class who had maid cafe and pastry stall.   
  
"Then what are you doing looking at our stall when everyone knows you dont like sweets "  
  
"its not for me!" he hissed and looked at the display as he flushed a bit "Its for that diabetic perm freak" he looked at Sougo who did not response to him and he raised a brow and pointed at the strawberry cupcake "ill take that one "  
  
"Its rare to see you hovering over sweets Hijikata-kun, i heard you are out of the hospital after your accident... or was really an accident?"  
  
Hijikata looked back to see a purple haired male with an eyepatch standing behind him. He was somewhat familiar however he can’t pinpoint who it was, his last sentence caught his attention more.

  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"Oh right! i heard your memory is a bit jogged cause of it, i really don’t want see you after what you did to Gintoki"  
  
With this information Hijikata's eyes widen as he frowned and almost glared at this person , who the fuck is this! The air around them changes and he can feel the hatred that was directed at him by this man and he finally spoke.   
  
"i dont know what you are talking about"  
  
"you.. dont tell me you dont remember!?"  
  
"what are you --"  
  
"Hijikata-san here is your cupcake, tak--"  
  
"Shut up Sougo!"   
  
suddenly a laughter can be heard and Hijikata glared at the other male who glared at him and Hijikata returned the furious glare as well. "You selfish bastard, how dare you forget about that!"  
  
"I dont know what you are talkin about!" he glanced at Sougo who was glaring at the other male as well the two was staring at each other as if having a silent conversation and Hijikata was annoyed. "What the hell is going on!"  
  
"You are hiding it from him aren’t you? hah! what a joke, why cant you tell him?"  
  
"You better go back to your room, you are disturbing our business here you know" Sougo answered as he looked at him. "if you will continue to cause trouble here ill shut down your class entry on this festival"  
  
"Abusing your authority aren’t you? im just visiting however i did not expect to run over this bastard here "  
  
"Whats your deal! " Hijikata snarled, he had enough whatever this asshole was spitting is starting to piss him off.   
  
"Whats my deal!? how about trying to remember what happened 8 months ago! That day when Gintoki died!"  
  
"TAKASUGI!" two voices was heard calling out the name, one in alarming tone and other on a warning tone, he was sure that the latter belonged to Sougo.  
  
Hijikata's eyes widen as he looked at the man in his front, he remembered now, its Takasugi, he was one of Gintoki's close friend along with Katsura who just yelled his name at the same time Sougo did.   
  
"What? you dont remember? you are a selfish bastard, trying to forget what happened so you dont have to feel the guilt right?"  
  
"Thats not true.."  
  
"You are the reason he died! you killed him! "  
  
"Takasugi stop!" Katsura came and Takasugi was glaring daggers at him, Hijikata recalled now that there was this one particular day during the first semester that Takasugi talked to him.

 

_“Stay away from Gintoki”_

_Hijikata blinked as he opened his locker and glared at Takasugi. “Why the fuck should I do that?”_

_“I don’t know what he sees to you but I don’t like when you are going on clinging on him”_

_“HUH?! What the… do you like him?!”_

_“So what if I do? I knew him longer than you and you just popped out of nowhere taking him away… I really hate you.”_

_“Don’t worry the feeling Is mutual you bastard” Slamming his locker close and walked away._

  
  
"That’s not..." Hijikata was at lost for words as he stood there and he open his mouth to say something however he can’t say anything, he was trembling and shaking, what shit is this short asshole was saying?! Was he playing prank to piss him off?!  
  
"Why?! he needs to know? why are you guys are covering it? How long are you going to make him believe that Gintoki was here?! what excuse you are telling this asshole regard--" Takasugi was about to say more however he stopped to dodge the oncoming punch that Sougo threw at him and Hijikata upon seeing this seethes, everything just went red, and his head hurts, and all the emotions overflowing on him now he cant think straight and as Takasugi side stepped to avoid that punch he used it to his advantage and shoved him back so hard that the other male hit the small cupcake stand, and since it was a small stall and not a solid build it crashed along with the cash register and the glass cases, Takasugi almost fell but managed to gain his balance to shove Hijikata back and a fight ensued, Katsura was grabbing Takasugi and Sougo was doing the same with Hijikata, it was a chaos and Kondo had went and stopped the fight. 

  
Takasugi slapped Katsura's hand away a she straighten his uniform and wiped the small blood on the corner of his lips as he looked down at Hijikata who was on the floor with his fist clenched as he looked down.   


"i hope you remember it! I knew you aren’t good for him!" spat Takasugi before he left and Katsura gave him another glance before following the other male.  
  
"Toshi are you okay?" Kondo knelt beside him as he placed his hand on his shoulder and he swatted it away.  
  
"is it true..." he mumbled and Kondo was not able to understand for a moment and after w few minutes Kondo was going to ask but Hijikta beat him to it. "Is it true?... IS IT FUCKIN TRUE?!" he looked at Kondo and then to Sougo who did not meet his eye contact as he looked away,  Hijikata shook his head and stood up slowly.  
  
"Liars.. its not true! Gintoki is not dead! he is alive! why are you doing this to me? oi answer me!" he looked at Sougo and then to Kondo as he pleaded for some answers however the two had their mouth shut he looked around and the students stared at the whole fiasco, they looked away when they met Hijikata’s gaze and Hijikata growled as Kondo approached him calling his name he slapped his hand away as he trashed when Sougo grabbed his arm.  
  
"Hijikata-san calm down" he looked at Kondo and the two exchanged looks and Hijikata fumed, his emotions suddenly poured out like a dam, he was not certain what to feel about the whole situation and his head hurts, his chest heaving so heavily and the next thing he knew is he felt a sudden sting on his forearm and he looked at Sougo who had a syringe on his hand.  
  
"You..."  
  
"Sorry Toshi, but you need to calm down.. im really sorry!" Kondo's pained expression is getting blurry as Hijikata felt his limbs go numb and his eyes heavy, did they sedated him?! he looked behind Kondo and he could see a glimpse of silver curls and Gintoki was standing behind Kondo looking at him with a apologetic frown before everything went black.  


.

.

.

.

 _"I dont understand..."_ _  
  
Hijikata mumbled as he finished his ice cream, it was summer and the heat was unbearable, he and Gintoki was on their way home and they both grabbed some ice cream to cool down as they resumed their walk home, Gintoki raised a brow as he looked at Hijikata._  
  
_"Oh wow for the first time there is something that you dont understand Mr. Top of the class"  
  
Hijikata gave him a side glare but dismissed it as he looked away "probably.. "  
  
"What is it that you dont understand then?"  
  
"Why you like me" Takasugi’s confrontation with him made him realize what Gintoki did see on him._  
_  
Gintoki blinked as he looked at Hijikata, his face was flat and a small frown that is always present was visible, Gintoki was about to answer but Hijikata continued. " everyone likes you, you are this happy go lucky idiot who is friends with everyone you can actually be with someone better thats why i dont understand why you like me, I’m always rude to you, I’m violent, I’m boring and no fun at all, I’m a ball of depression , I’m --"  
  
"Amazing"  
  
Hijikata stopped as he glanced at Gintoki, they stood under the shade of the tree and Gintoki smiled at him, the same smile that would always make his stomach do a circus tumbling.   
  
"You are amazing, brave, smart, a good leader , you are rude but you are loving, you are violent but caring, you are not boring you are interesting. i should be the one asking that, do i really deserve a amazing b*llsack like you? i am satisfied to see the side of you that nobody else knows, like how you actually liked to be held and touch you always unconsciously cling to me, or how you pouts and thinks it went unnoticed every time you can’t talk back against me.  such amazing person i could go on make a list however seeing that your face is already burning and im sure thats not due to the heat ill spare you the time to faint"_  
  
_Gintoki had this stupid smile on his face as he crossed his arms smugly, Hijikata fumbled with words, true enough that he was burning, he frowned and glared and tried to hit Gintoki for the teasing however his hand was caught by said man.  
  
"And you go raising your fist when you dont know how to react to things not to mention you really look adorable right now"  
_  
_"shut up!"_

 _"Oi, oi you asked a question and i simply answered, also does it really need a reason or understanding when you like someone? it just happens oi, without you knowing its already out and about spreading everywhere like a fart, you can’t hold it it you need to let it go"_ _  
  
"That’s a disgusting comparison"  
  
"then how about you Hijikata-kun? how come you like someone as worthless like me?"_  
  
_Hijikata looked at Gintoki and frowned "You are not worthless, you just feel that but you are not, your friends likes you a lot and you help everyone that is in need that sometimes you already forgot about yourself its a very stupid and selfish thing to do however i can’t help but admire your kindness, if you really are worthless then why do these people still around you? idiot" Hijikata looked at Gintoki who had his eyes widen for a moment before a chuckled escaped on his throat and he took a big step to wrap his arms around Hijikata and hugged him._    
_  
"Ah Damn it Hijikata-kun, you are making Gin-san fall for you all over again"  
  
"...shut up"  
  
"ohhh red ears th--gh!that hurts!"  
  
"Serves you right" a smile graced Hijikata's features and Gintoki returned it as he grabbed his hand and ran   
  
"Lets go! let's proclaim our love on this hot summer!!"  
  
"OI SHUT UP!"_

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.

.  
.  
  
"We had no choice.. though I still feel guilty"  
  
"i apologize for this Kondo, i was just really worried this day would happen."  
  
Hijikata slowly blinked as he heard the voices that was talking, he looked around and he can see that he was in the schools clinic, the curtains were closed and he can see three forms outside his curtain. 

"That damn Takasugi" Sougo's voice was barely a whisper as he sighed. he finally recognize the voice of the third person, his brother.   
  
"I owe everything to all of you, granting my selfish request resulted to this"  
  
"we did not expect that he would forget about what happened.. " Kondo added and Hijikata felt sick on his stomach as he shifted to his side and gripped the sheets as he closed his eyes , he can’t believe this, he doesn’t know which to believe anymore, what is the truth. Hijikata pretended to be asleep as Tamegoro slid the curtains to peek on him and to check him once they are done talking the three left Hijikata slowly sat up as he massage his temples and groaned. he needed t know the truth, he swung his feet as he stood up and grabbed his uniform coat wearing it he went out of the room and into the rooftop opening the door, he squinted a bit at the sunset rays and he groaned before focusing and he saw a spark of silver haired male that was standing by the railings, his hand dangling out as he looked down to the festival activities that’s going on.   
  
"Arent you supposed to be down there?"  
  
"I could say the same thing to you..'  
  
He slowly approached him as he stood a few feet away, Gintoki's back is facing him and the only thing he can see is he is his silver curls. Hijikata bit his lips. This feels so real, everything feels so real, and why does it feel so real? a choke sob escaped him as he stood there and he can feel Gintoki's thumb wiping away the threatening tears that is spilling on his cheeks.   
  
"why are you crying all of a sudden?"  
  
"Why do you feel so real?"  
  
"what do you mean?"  
  
"They said you are dead, that you are not here anymore, that i killed you.."  
  
he wiped his own tears as he looked at Gintoki that was staring at him. "They are lying right? you guys are playing prank on me right? right? " he urged and gripped Gintoki's school uniform, the latter held his hand to pry away the tight grip on his shirt.  
  
"Hijikata.." Gintoki started and Hijikata looked at him with a small sad smile as he stroked his cheeks. "i have always been alive in your mind"   
  
  
Hijikata blinked as his eyes widen when the next thing he knew is he was standing alone in the rooftop and whatever existence Gintoki had earlier was gone, there is no trace of anything, not even a strand of hair nor a shadow, nor his lingering sweet scent. he knelt on the ground as he gripped his hair on the assaulting headache and flashes of images.   
  
screaming..  
  
fighting..   
  
on the streets ...  
  
a loud screech of a car..  
  
and blood everywhere...  
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.  
  
  
_"are you sure you wont be attending the party? it's Shige Shige's birthday, he invited everyone" Gintoki said a certain night 8 months ago, Hijikata received the phone call while in the middle of studying and he frowned upon the notion.  
  
_

_Hijikata sighed as he rubbed his forehead, a frown already appearing on his features as he stared at the books and papers littered all over his table. The bastard promised to come over his house today! Did he forgot about that?! he even said he would join Hijikata on his studying since he won’t be able to attend the damn party and he had been waiting for the mongrel for an hour now before receiving a phone call. "I thought you said you aint goin' to the party?"_ _  
  
"Well Takasugi and Zura decided to come and they kinda dragged me along .. and,.. wait hold up" Hijikata glanced at the phone as the loud music started to blare, the idiot is already there?! "... ah yeah sorry I just arrived, lots of people here actually and free food and drinks"  
  
"I dont care! if you call on to disturb me then fuckin hang up!"  
  
"Why are you angry all of a sudden i was just inviting you out "  
  
"Then make sure not to make any appointments or promises with me before going to another place, the nerve of you asking me!" Hijikata hang up and he breathed heavily as he gripped his pen , that asshole. he was busy for god knows how long, all things just piled up, the student council, exams, his violin recitals, his father's constant expectations and eyeing his every move. all in all he was stressed and frustrated that he had no time to deal with this bullshit anymore and to prove that he lit a cigarette which his father forbid him to do but he doesn’t give two shits about it now. his phone started vibrating and he glanced at it, the idiot must have realized his mistake. he sighed and grabbed the phone.   
  
  
"What?!"  
  
_

_"Sorry! shit! i forgot i .. okay im sorry ill be there o--"_ _  
  
"Dont waste it! "  
  
"You are mad"  
  
"im not!"  
  
"You are yelling at me .. calm down ill drop by there okay a-- " Hijikata can hear Katsura calling for Gintoki and the suffle on the other line made him think Gintoki was probably being dragged inside. he can hear a faint 'what are you doing outside, we are still playing' or the 'aw dont tell me you are going home' but one particular comment made him grip his phone and the voice was none other than takasugis 'your boyfriend wanting you to go home? what are you a married couple? he doesn’t know how to have fun he should not drag others on that'_    
  
_"its not that, i said ill go to his place fir-- never mind wait.. hello Hijikata? so yeah ill--"  
  
"Dont"_  
  
_"huh?"  
  
  
__"Dont come over, ill be going to sleep" with that he ended the call, Gintoki called again however he ignored the following 5 calls until it stopped. He went back to reading though there was nothing coming on his mind, he was thinking about everything and he needs to calm down, he sighed and continued reading, he needs to focus and get a good marks better than last time as not to fail his father and brother's expectations . it had been about almost three hours and Hijikata glanced at his clock, shit its already nearing one am. Hijikata stretched his numb muscles as he stood up and rubbed his eyes, he was done finally. flopping on the bed he brought his phone to his face and turned it on, waiting for the screen to pop he looked at his and Gintoki's picture on his wallpaper and flushed, the bastard perm set it up for him, he waited for any text however there is none. Did that bastard already went home? its exam tomorrow and he was wasted with alcohol! that idiot needs to get back form failing his math._    
  
  
_To : Perm bastard  
  
Sub: oi  
  
[Where are you? did you go home already?]   
  
  
Hijikata looked at his phone as he waited for a reply and upon doing so he looked at his gallery and frowned, there are new pictures that he was not aware of, he basically uses his phone for text and call so he was a bit surprised to see pictures on his gallery and all of them are Gintoki's faces, the bastard used his phone again just cause he can’t afford to buy a smartphone! frowning he continued to browse and frowned even more a she saw a pictures with Gintoki taking a selfie and he was behind him sleeping and there couple more of stolen pictures of random people and mostly his own._    
_  
__"that bastard.."  
  
He hovered back on his home screen and waited, perhaps he should call the asshole. dialing a number that he already memorized he waited for the other to pick up, it took a few rings before it was answered and he frowned, opening his mouth to say something however he stopped as he heard a moan coming from a woman. His eyes widen as he listened, groans and other things he doesn’t want to acknowledge is being voiced on the other line.   
  
".. hello"_  
_  
__Hijikata froze as he heard a woman's voice answered the call and he doubled check the number and he was sure it was Gintoki's "..hello wh-- wait Giiin~ not there~"  
  
"Who the fuck are you?!" he hissed and all the sleepiness went out flying on the window as he stood up and grabbed his jacket, the line was silent before a small chuckle was heard._  
  
_"Hijikata-kun right?"  
  
At this he froze and he recognized the voice as he went downstairs and out of his house. it’s that bitch that was obsessed with Gintoki aside from Sarotubi, this one is more filthy and would go on her way to hit on the silver haired perm._

 _"You bit--" he growled and looked at the phone as it hang up he could faintly hear Gintoki on the background and he hauled a cab heading to Shige Shige's place. He was anxious and fuck this he just want to get there and confirm that what he thinks is wrong. Upon arrival he can see the house and there are still people outside the music was faint but as soon as he opened the door the music was loud and the people was everywhere, he looked around to see any silver head and he saw Yamazaki approach him.  
  
"Ah! Hijikata-san! what a--"_  
  
_"where is Gintoki?!"  
  
"I did not see him .. last time i saw him went upstair-- ah wait Hijikata-san where are you going!"   
  
Hijikata disregarded the other male as he sprinted towards the stairs and swung open the first door on his right and frowned as he saw a  group playing spin the bottle, he immediately closed it and raided the rooms, he immediately shut the third room as he saw something from a couple that he doesn’t want to see, he looked around and noticed the room on the left corner throwing it open he froze and his eyes widen as he saw it. Gintoki, no mistake that white silver locks that was illuminated by the lampshade and above him, more exactly straddling him is the little bitch who answered the call earlier on her pants and bra only, they both turned to the door and Gintoki was holding her wrist before he sat up._  
  
_"Hiji.."  
  
Hijikata turned around immediately that he did not see Gintoki shove the girl out of his way to chase after him. "wait!" Hijikata ran downstairs skipping a few steps in order to get out of the cursed house as soon as possible, he was mad no not mad.. he was livid, he was seeing red and he pushed everyone out of his way as he made it towards the crowded living room that became a dance floor.   
  
"Move! get outta my fuckin way!" he yelled and pushed at someone he doesn’t really give a shit as of the moment and he sprinted out of the house with Gintoki trailing after him.   
  
"Hijikata! wait! stop!"_  
  
_"DONT COME NEAR ME I WILL FUCKIN KILL YOU!" he yelled as he continued walking.  
  
"Listen to me oi! stop! its nothing like that! i swear! she was drunk and s-- " Gintoki's eyes widen as Hijikata suddenly stopped, swung his body and his fist with all his weight directed on that punch like a catapult it sent Gintoki stumbling a few feet away as he fell on the ground. his jaw felt like it dislocated for a moment.   
  
"What?! dont take me for a fool im not stupid! she was on top of you on nothing but her underwear and you are telling me that’s not it?! then what the fuck are you two doing? having a prayer vigil!?"  
  
"damn that hurts"  
  
"Damn right it does!" he was seething and he just wanted to be alone for a moment, he started walking again and Gintoki following him , he hastened his speed as he crossed the road and Ginotki caught up on the side road and he reached out grabbing his arm and whirling him around._  
_  
__"listen to me first!"  
  
"I dont want to listen to you! bastard ive seen enough! let go of me! die!"  
  
"Im not letting go until you listen to me! its a misunderstanding! Hijikata!"_  


_"Shut up! asshole! fuckin bastard! let go!" he managed to squeezed himself and used all his strength to push the Gintoki away which he succeeded and Gintoki stumbled a bit taking a few steps backward towards the road and that’s where Hijikata realized his mistake as he saw a light coming from the right and he immediately sprinted forward to push Gintoki out of the way but instead of pushing the other away he was the one who was actually being pushed back by Gintoki shouting and stopping him form coming through. the next thing Hijikita realized is he was on the ground his arm hurts and his ribs felt like it had been brokien,despite Gintoki's efforts to save him and his effort to save Gintoki he still got hit though he knew its not fatal since he was able to lift himself up but his arm was dislocated he looked around the area and saw the car sped off, Hijikata squinted as he sat up and groaned at the pain that shot through his shoulder but all of it was forgotten once he saw Gintoki's unmoving body a few feet away from him, blood was pooling everywhere and he forced himself to limp and he slumped next to Gintoki, he gasped as he looked at him there was a lot of blood pooling on his head and Hijikata wanted to throw up from the way Gintoki's body was slumped in a very wrong way.  
  
"Gintoki.. "  
  
He shakily picked his phone with his moving hand and dialed an ambulance, he did not notice the people_ _that was fast approaching them coming from Shige Shige's house, and they probably saw the fight considering they made a lot of commotion earlier. he looked around and Takasugi came rushing beside Gintoki and instructed everyone to get away and call some ambulance. it took a few minutes when he heard the ambulance on its approach, Gintoki was hauled inside and he was as well. he was being checked by  the paramedics as they travelled to the nearest hospital, Hijikata was still in shock as the scene kept on replaying on his mind, he started to think how things could go from bad to worse, he did not intend to do that. he may have threatened him to die but those only are empty threats ..however this not right, this is not what he wished for, he started to think what could have been done better, maybe if he listened to Gntoki they won’t end up like this, his stubbornness and pride could go out of the window for fucks sake, but he was livid he was angry and he was not able to think rationally earlier.. but it’s still his fault, he pushed him away, he pushed him away not only away from him but also he pushed him to his death. a choke sob escaped him due to what he was emotionally feeling right now and the other since started to feel his injured arm being checked and he can feel the works of the sedatives as he started to lose consciousness._

 _When he woke up his brother was there with him and he looked around and asked about Gintoki, and the news bought different wave of emotions in him that he was rendered speechless. Gintoki's death took a big toll on his life and everything went down in disarray after it, he was in a pit of depression, he was blamed for his death, Gintoki's friends and the people he knew started avoiding him. Takasugi and Katsura stopped hanging out with them, Sakamoto is still talking to him however is also avoiding him possible, Sarutobi and Tsukuyo had been cold towards him, and he doesn’t blame them for it, it was his fault after all and he considered this as his punishment as well. it was his brother who noticed the changes, his grades went rock bottom and he was not attending school, he only gets angry upon hearing the talks of the students, Kondo and Sougo also Yamazaki had always been there supporting him however it was not enough. Sougo even spat at him for being pathetic and he could not blame him with that , his father also added the fuel on his state which did not help at all. he started to isolate himself, Kondo and some of his friends tried to help him but its not just working, everyday he was reminded of Gintoki's death and the reason why he died._  
  
  
_The woman that was with him that night had told him she was just messing around and had helped a few to prank Gintoki, though they did not expect him coming over. Hijikata did not listen to her, he acknowledge the words but that’s all. the days went by with a drag and Hijikata had already fell in ill depression, Tamegoro had a personal doctor to check on him and the medication that was provided to him, though he did not really drink most of it, especially when the hallucinations of Gintoki started appearing, it started in dream until in manifested even though he was wide awake, and the more he believed the more real Gintoki feels. he would see him everywhere, in his room, in school its like he was being haunted by his own mind and this Gintoki would even attempt to converse with him. at first he ignores it until he got indulged at these hallucinations that it seems everything is real. he stopped drinking his medications in order to retain the things that he wanted and see and feel.. it came to the point where its hard to identify whether it was real or not_

 _when his brother had realized what’s going on, he was immediately being put back into his medications, and all the conflicting emotions started to crush him like waves again, the guilt, the sadness and the realization that Gintoki was already dead it was too much to bear that he had went out to clear his head, but what can you clear on a head that’s already fucked up in the first place? he was walking aimlessly and crossed the road just in time where a speeding car came and Hijikata knew there was still time for him to evade it, to jump off the way and to save himself however his feet remained rooted on the ground and his body unmoving and so the next thing he knew he was losing his consciousness._  

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.

.  
  
  
"It wasnt an accident... " he murmured to himself as he looked up, he was still on the rooftop and he started to realized everything and what happened, he committed suicide. his shoulder started shaking as he choked on his own laughter at the situation at hand,so foolish, pathetic.. Gripping his arm he slowly stood up and looked up to see Gintoki.  
  
"Is there something funny Hijikata?''  
  
"Yeah.. me" he murmured and looked at his hand. "no wonder people are givin me weird looks, im probably talkin to myself" he looked at Gintoki and bit his lips as he looked away "Why are you so real damn it!"  
  
"You dont want to see me anymore?"   
  
"its not that! its just... i mean .."  
  
"Do you want me to disappear?"  
  
Hijikata looked at him as he bit his lips, does he really want too? Does he really wanted him to disappear? But seeing Gintoki like this alive and all.. does he really want that to lose? at least he can live with this fantasy of them being together right?  
  
"i dont know.."  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
  
Hijikata stared at his doctor as they finished their session, his psychiatrist had checked on him and they talked about various things, including Gintoki. he was glad that the doctor was not forceful in terms of the medicines. Hijikata knew that he was being talked into taking it, he might have a few loose screws in the head but he aint stupid. he stared at the bottle of medicines that was on the table and he frowned, he still hadn’t made his mind about it. Going back to their house he went straight to his room and did not join his brother for dinner, he immediately flopped on the bed and stared at the bottle of pills.. what to do. he should.. let go right? Accept the fact that Gintoki is already... gone? he closed his eyes and breathed out a sigh as he gripped the bottle of pills, he needed to accept, he should accept, he cant cause more trouble than he already did right? these wave of emotions right now is too much, he wished he was able to just forget everything, the past month was wonderful but as soon as reality slapped him everything crumbled and he was back on the shit hole that he delved himself in, but he needs to do this he needs to face the reality and move forward with it, he needs to let go! he nee--  
  
"hey"  
  
Hijikata opened his eyes and stared at Gintoki that was lying beside him with a smile reaching out to touch his cheek, and Hijikata's earlier inner monologue and determination detoriated at the sight of Gintoki, Hijikata gripped the bottle as he closed his eyes, feeling Gintoki's soft touch on his cheek, it feels so real.. so true to be good and he hated that he once again succumbed on this.   
  
"Hijikata"  
  
"stop.. stop calling to me like that"   
  
"why?"  
  
"because it feels true, it feels real and i hate it"  
  
Gintoki frowned at him as he looked at him and withdrew his hands away from him, but he just lay there and Hijikata stared back at him, probably the reason he can’t move on nor accept the fact that Gintoki was gone is because of how they spent their last moment fighting, it should have been in a different way.. not that. Everything that happened during that night is violence, hatred, screaming and anger which Hijikata regretted deeply.  
  
"You are crying"  
  
"i am not! shut up!" he hissed and blinked as he felt Gintoki wipe away the tears that was cascading down his cheeks and he just lay there observing him.   


"Dont cry.. it doesnt suit you at all, im used at seeing your frowning face, does it hurt that much?"  
  
he nodded and wiped his own tears as he closed his eyes, he was tired everything is so fucked up his mind and heart are on conflict and his thoughts are all rumbled and mashed up. he doesn’t know what to do anymore and it confusing.   
  
"Hijikata.. would you come with me?"  
  
Hijikata's eyes snapped open as he looked at Gintoki, what does he mean by that? he thought about for a moment and he frowned. join him? ah shit Gintoki looked so inviting right now, why does he always look like that? Hijikata knew he would get caught with his pace again as always. he flinched as he felt Gintoki touched his hand which held the bottle of pills and brought it close to his face.   
  
"Join me? Lets be together?"  
  
Gulping Hijikata looked at the pills in his hand and frowned, does this really solve anything? but the guilt and regret he was feeling is eating him every day and it’s too painful pretending that he was fine when he was not, his friends did a lot for him as well didnt they? he was proud having them. he thought about how he met Gintoki as he chugged three of pills and he chuckled to himself as he recalled that they immediately got into a fist fight and he was even reprimanded by his father for being a disgrace, he just could not put up the perfect student facade in front of Gintoki. he remembered when Gintoki suddenly confessed to him as he followed another gulp of his pills and he recalled how he punched him for that thinking he was playing pranks on him, it was a long realization that he loved the asshole back and starting from there everything was nice.. despite the shit his father want him to do Gintoki was there supporting him even though he did not ask for it, the perm just had his own way of comforting him without being obvious that he was actually doing it just for the sake of his own pride. he gulped another batch as he felt his eyes heavy, his chest started to hurt and his breathing became shallow Gintoki was still there pushing back his hair, he recalled how everyone found out about their relationship courtesy of Sougo. it reached his father and that posed a lot of problem, but despite that they were able to get by it.

“Gin…”

“Yeah?”

“So..sorry..”

“Don’t apologize.. Hijikata, I love you”

“…. I love.. you too..Gintoki”

Hijikata closed his eyes as he felt the empty bottle of pills roll out of his hand and he smiled a bit as he felt Gintoki stroking his cheek, he can feel his consciousness fading and he knew.....

 

...He won’t be able to wake up anymore

 


End file.
